First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
