Why are handjobs necessary in class?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
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