I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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