My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
