And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
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In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
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You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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