Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
