I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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