ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
