I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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