It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
