Ketchup is God's man juice
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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