Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
