Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
