I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Just invented taco cereal.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
