Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
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There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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