Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
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What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
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I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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