I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Come on in and take your pants off
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