I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
