Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
50% drunk capacity currently
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
