I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"