My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
