Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
