Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
