you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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