listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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