what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
