Having a random hookup so left but love u
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
