Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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