Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
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