I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Less talking, more tequila
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
