the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
