The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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