Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
