Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
