everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
