I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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