True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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