I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
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When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
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yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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