You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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