did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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