I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
