I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
