it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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