i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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