Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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