you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
