does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I did not marry a roomba.
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