I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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