she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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