Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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