Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
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I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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