he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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