So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
